Escaping Toxicity

We often hear stories about toxic relationships. We all know someone who has been through one or who is currently dealing with it. We are quick to trade notes and experiences. But as many of us seem to have been victims of toxic partners, has it ever crossed our minds that we could have been the toxic ones in our relationships?

I can proudly say that I have had the best exes in the business... lol.

Every single one of them has taught me something I needed at the time our story was unfolding. I have learnt skills I still use today. Now, do not misunderstand me. They were not perfect human beings; far from that. They had their flaws and shortcomings. But they were the perfect partners for the season I was in. Some taught me kindness, others patience. One taught me not to visit late at night unless I was ready to run for my life and do my rosary in tears until I fell asleep. Another even taught me the importance of privacy in the couple and how much snooping was a bad idea for my sanity. They all helped my growth. Yes, all! Even, the abuser and the cheater. That being said, the one I am the most thankful for is the one who helped me realize I had been a toxic partner in some of the relationships I had before him. I believe he is my "twin flame".

Our relationship was passionate, intense. It developed very fast, I did not see him coming. Although, I am sure I manifested him. I fell deep, and quickly for him. Before him, I had always been faintly aloof in "love" relationships. Always in protection mode; I was not going to let anyone affect me too much. I often was not invested enough to care anyway. I thought of each story as a game in which we all had a part to play. "All is fair in love and war". The one rule I had was to always keep my word, my promises; good or bad, regardless of the consequences. I said "I love you" to some people without fully understanding how deep that feeling could be. I was equating infatuation to love. At the time, I believed my partners and I were on the same page. Boy, was I wrong. They would be accurate if they were to describe me as a ruthless player. All I can say is that I was a confused young lady with more baggage than they could imagine. I was, in many cases, completely oblivious to the effect I had and the damage I was causing. But all that was about to change. I started noticing a pattern in my relationships. And although I was not fully cognizant of all the reasons behind my mode of operation, I knew I wanted something different for my life. I paid more attention to my interactions, the energy I put out, how I communicated. I worked on myself, became more patient, more accommodating. I was convinced my next story would be the right one.

He made me feel comfortable, I was "home". It was a first. What I felt was unconditional, almost magical. I became soft. My friends did not recognize me. No one understood what was happening. Some were supportive, others just wanted me to snap out of it. I was giving away my dearly beloved power. Very soon, he exposed my deepest insecurities; I'll spare you the details. He started displaying "toxic" tendencies. One day he would be all in and I was his world. Then he would withdraw suddenly, for no reason. He would talk about meeting my family to only, shortly after, exhibit a fear of commitment. He wielded the silent treatment with dexterity. He used all "my old tactics" against me. Ghosting, gaslighting, high-level manipulation. I was looking at a mirror and I was not ready for the reflection it was sending back to me. It hurt, a lot. At first, I did what one does in such situation. I blamed him. I could not understand why he would treat me this way knowing how I felt about us and all the sacrifices I had made for us to be together. I was hurt and angry. But I wanted us to work. He was supposed to be my shot at redemption. So I stuck around. Then the blame became introspection. What role was I playing in the unhealthiness of our relationship? I started addressing the flaws I could find. It still wasn't enough. It seemed, the more I gave, the worst it got. I was exhausted. It was years before I finally realized I was his enabler. We were both addicted to the toxicity. And even though I wanted my rehab to be successful, I kept feeding the monster.

I knew what "love" was supposed to feel like. I had received it before. This one did not feel the same. It was not right. Thinking back to all the instances when people had shown me what I now understand as love made me realize how bad of a partner I had been to some great individuals. Everything he was to me, I had been to them. I was manipulative; seeking my well-being and comfort first regardless of the predicament my mate was in. I sought control, I had to call the shots and would not allow any man to "victimize" me. I believed I was smarter than most of them and did not miss an opportunity to assert it. I had a bad temper; flying off the handle every chance I had. I was disappearing and reappearing, constantly in and out of people's lives as I pleased. They wanted me to feel safe and stay, but I could only see it as an attempt to "tame" me. It was unthinkable; I was not going to be boxed in. I was a wounded prey turned predator, inflicting revenge on the wrong people. I was wrong. And I did not even realize the chaos I was creating. Today, I would love nothing more than a chance to apologize.

Somebody said men are the reflection of their mothers' heart and women marry their fathers. I know deep down he loved me as much as I did. There are things you can't fake for too long. But he was never taught how to love the right way. We both certainly had very poor role models for what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. It is unfortunate. I had to let him go. Because I loved him. Because he was damaged and did not seem ready to work on himself. And because I had to prioritize my health.

Love is the key...